“Help Me,” an Entry from PZ Myers’s Secret Diary as Channeled by @Kirbmarc

From Peezus’ secret diary (channeled by @Kirbmarc and inspired by the “counterpoint” part of this Onion article):




Oh, for fuck’s sake, it happened again. I’ve lost control of my Horde.

To be fair I’ve always known that they’re fucking insane. Some more than others. I mean, that Nerd of Redhead idiot is unbelievably stupid. “Your evidence-less fuckwittery is FLOOSH rejected” and that bullshit about asking for a peer reviewed paper for anything. For fuck’s sake, who writes like that? Is he actually retarded or a troll? To say nothing about Ogvorbis. That whiny piece of shit creeps me out. I have a kid and I’d be glad to smash his head in if the people who comment on my blog didn’t like him. So I have to grin and bear it.

And of course I know that those neckbearded virgin douchebags form the Slymepit are behind the trolls. Like that Plethora jerkoff. Smarmy bastard thinks he’s clever but I know he’s making fun of me. Any moron would.

And I’m definitely not a moron. I mean, I’m a famous scientist, I teach at university, I’m smart. I don’t care about what those demented fuckwits at the Slymepit say, UMM is a great place to teach at. They let me stay here even though most of the time I browse the net looking for more misogynists to roast and cheap zebrafish to buy. And hentai…by the way I just discovered a very interesting website about calamaris and a nice Japanese lady. I must remember to add it to my favorites.

Fuck, what was I talking about? I need to focus. Leave the tentacle porn for later.

Oh yes, the loss of control. I hate those unreasonable bastards. I mean, I gave them what they wanted, didn’t they? It wasn’t easy for me to find a black female atheist blogger, you know. There’s no one I know about in Morris, and even at Skepchick there aren’t many. And I needed to be sure she wasn’t a known plagiarist. I don’t want a second Avicenna. Shit, was that guy a slippery bastard. He got caught just after I defended him in public, and made me look like an idiot. Thank God Jason and Stephanie did some damage control and we banned the creepy fucker.

I really thought I had hit it big this time. Jamila Bey is famous, black, female, a known skeptic and atheist. Perfect for FTB, and a very good way to shame all the rape apologist, misogynistic, racist scumbags. She was my trump card to make anyone forget about the crazy plagiarist asshole.

And then she has to go and make a speech CPAC. For fuck’s sake, girl, why did have to reach out to the conservatives? They’re nuts and make you look bad. And if you look bad, I look bad, just after Avicenna was exposed by Hemant Mehta and Ophelia has decided to go on and defend Charlie Hebdo, those cheese eating racist monkeys. Talk about bad timing!

I’d love to keep her on the blog, I really would. She’s one of the few authentic WOCs we have. Miri doesn’t count, she’s Jewish, not black. Taslima and Yemmi are good enough, but they’re not American. Jamila was my best shot at having a famous, respected WOC American atheist on my network. It meant a lot.

But then she talks to the Republicans and puts me in this situation. And I try to explain. I try to say that she’s not a bad person, that she’s just trying to reach out to the bigots in a misguided attempt to make them change their mind. But the Horde doesn’t listen.

I write all those things and they just keep calling her names, writing that she’s a white supremacist (what the fuck) and insulting her. I imagine them, all pasty white, with their colored hair and beards and necklaces and tattoos as they flail around helplessly, spit on their screens and scream in rage. It’s chilling.

They actually scare me at times. I know I and Ed own FTB, and there’s only 40 or 50 of them, but they’re deranged. They know no limits. They believe that they’re right and they’ll stop at nothing. They’re wild animals. They want blood, the blood of everyone who doesn’t agree with them.

I can’t displease them. I have created a space for them, I protected them, they bring me clicks. And now every time I read their comments I shiver in fear that they’ll either rip me a new one for doing something they don’t like or fall for another obvious troll and embarrass me before the Atheist/Skeptic movement. Without them my website would be over soon. I barely even talk about science these days and everyone in the atheist movement hates me.

I wasn’t always this deep in their shit, dammit. I was about to become the Fifth Horsemen years ago. I used to go to the movies with Richard Dawkins and now he won’t even speak to me. Yes, he’s racist, a misogynists, a rape apologist and all of that, but his book fucking sells. I had to strong arm my family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances into buying mine, and I still only get bad reviews. It was a hard job, a tour the force, to use Dick Carrier’s words, and so few people like it. It took me years to write all those posts, you ungrateful bastards, so don’t you dare to complain.

Anyway. The Horde. They’re fucking lunatics. I see them in my dreams some times, I imagine some of them, I don’t know, maybe Nick Gotts with his smug grin (the bastard thinks he’s the one who made “see the light”. As if, creepy little motherfucker), or Caine with her rat skulls, or Gilliel and her mask, or Sally Strange and fucks know what she wears.

I post and article and they get angry. Their nostrils flare, their eyes widen, their faces redden. Then they all smile and type on their keyboards “PZ, you’ve beyond the pale. You offended the fat freebleeders manateekins, you piece of shit. FTB is over”. And others pile on, Marjianovic and his Slavic accent, Itchyc and her dead fish (not the dead fish, you insensitive dickhead!), Tony! and his sunglasses. They all write “FTB is over”.

And then all the writers on the other blogs either leave me or are found to be secretly assholes. All of them. Carrier is accused of rape and misogyny. So is Jason. Alex Gabriel joins the Republican party. Greta Christina is denounced as a rape apologist. Ashley Miller, Miri and Stephanie desert me. Ophelia says she can no longer put up with me. Even Ed is now ready to vote for Ron Paul.

And last, but not the least, Becky confesses that the Elevator guy never existed. In public. Crying in a video for the Internet to see.

And I accidentally browse the Slymepit as I sometimes do and they’re all celebrating with porn, tons of porn and photo-shops of me in porn, and they say that “FTB is over”.

I wake up screaming “FTB is over!”  and I cry, and my Trophy Wife doesn’t know how to calm me down.

Fuck. I created this monster, but now I’m afraid I can’t control it anymore. I live in fear of saying the wrong thing and being abandoned, or that one more of the people I work with reveals themselves to be an unethical jerk or worse, a Republican. It’s a nightmare!”


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